If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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