Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
