Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
