I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
