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I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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