Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
