I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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