Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
