I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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