Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
