hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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