Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
