Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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