I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
