I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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