god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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