Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
