barbara walters just said penis...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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