Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
