I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
