woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
