we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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