The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
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Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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