mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
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I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
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He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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