hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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