On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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