I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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