yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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