The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
