In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
