dude i'm inner monologue high
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
