If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
