Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
did you just send me my own nude
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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