Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
