I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
