you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
