someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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