She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
