i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
