I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
