i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
