Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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