Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
