on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
