so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize