Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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