I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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