I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
