You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
