Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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