I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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