Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
