Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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