Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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