I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
