I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
