I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
