Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
