He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You were trust falling into bushes
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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