she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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